I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I want her autograph on my taint
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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