2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Randomize
