Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
