You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
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