Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Randomize
