Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
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