Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
