my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
