I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
