Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
