I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
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