I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
