Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Green mimosas i think yes
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
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