I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
