i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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