What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
