Jerry, you need to find god
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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