Just fell off a train. Bad.
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
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