i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
