I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Randomize
