oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
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Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
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If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
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