Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Randomize
