Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
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