i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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