i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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