Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Sober January is a disaster.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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