she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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