Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
