put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
i out mim tonsoeep
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
