Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
