I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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