A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
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