I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
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