Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
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An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
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I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
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