remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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