tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
