she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
