And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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