He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
