Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Randomize
