shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
