You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I just googled if crying burns calories
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize
