I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
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