Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
soo... how was my night?
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize
