Will you blow on my dice?
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? 😭😭
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
