and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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