There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
