how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
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