I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Randomize
