Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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