I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
