I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
