And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
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