You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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