someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
