i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
