my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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