cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Randomize
