So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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