If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
