if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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