the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
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