he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
